Please ignore this I just need to get it out.

This is not a usual post for me. And I won't post anything more on this. But I just need to write.


This is really hard to write and I don't know why I am writing it on here but I am doing so just bare with me or skip past it, ignore it. Please. 
We received a phone call about an hour ago from the hospital which my Nana is currently residing in. She now has terminal cancer / secondary cancer. She has a few months to live.

I can't cope. I can't even make myself cry. I feel empty and numb and alone. I want to be there for my family, especially my mum who has been in hysterics since the call but I just can't. I just keep thinking about when my Grandma died when I was younger and how awful that was and how awful it will be without two grandparents and I just don't know what to think. 

I've seen my Nana get ill and go from a size 16 to a size 6 in less than a year. I've seen her deteriorate and then I've witnessed her getting better - slowly but surely. God knows last night when I went to visit her in hospital and she was laughing about how high she'd been on Morphine and how she was shouting at my Grandad for doing silly things and well she was just acting more like my Nana. And now this. This bomb-shell. We knew she was dying but then were convinced she was getting better and now she literally is dying and there is nothing nobody can do about it. Chemo isn't even going to work anymore so it's just a waiting game now. 

I feel like...well I don't know how I feel. Just empty. I want to see her so badly but I know I'm not allowed right now. It's so hard because I just want to hug her and tell her how strong I think she is and how much I look up to her. 

She'll be going into a Hospice for the last few months. I just hope and I really do hope with all my heart that her last few months are comfortable and enjoyable. 

God knows after everything she has been through, she needs it. 

CONVERSATION

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