Dear Michael...[R.I.P] One Year On

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So it's currently the 16th of February and I've been thinking about writing this for a few days now, though admittedly I still don't know where to start or what to say. It's almost been a full year since you left us and photos of you have been popping up all over. It's almost like you're trying to remind us that this is your time of year. 
"Your time of year" oh, how I truly wish it wasn't. I shouldn't have to remember you, you should just be here. That's how it was meant to be, you should of been here with us all, making inappropriate jokes, walking around with your pants down and drinking far too much. You shouldn't be off somewhere in the great unknown. Although where-ever you are, I do hope that you are causing an awful amount of chaos. 

At this exact moment in time I have "So I Thought" by Flyleaf on, it used to be a song I considered to be one of my favourites when we where besties, and now I can't listen to it without thinking about you. It's funny how the song has come full circle for me - "Fight the tears with pretty smiles and lies about the times. A year goes by and I can't talk about it." - but I digress. This post isn't supposed to be about me, it's supposed to be about you. Wonderful, lovely you. 


This is a difficult post to write, and I'm 100% certain I won't be the only one telling the whole of the internet just how much we all miss you. I don't even see or speak to half of your friends any more, but just through Facebook I can see just how much of a difference you have made to people's lives. It's so inspiring to see your brothers and your close friends living their lives for you. Doing things that you loved to do and organising meet-ups so everyone stays in touch. You have single handedly brought so many people together - in life and in death. I hope that you're proud of everything you are seeing from those you love because everyone has been trying so hard to make sure you are never ever forgotten. Not that anyone could ever forget you Mikey, you would never let that happen! 

I'm literally going through all of your photos on Facebook and it's funny to think about how young we were when we were going to Live Lounge and taking stupid photographs every single weekend. Those photos seemed like nothing at the time, but now they mean everything to me. I am incredibly grateful that I have those memories of us and the pictures to back it up with. 


When I was younger, people used to say to me "you can't just be friends with a boy, it doesn't work like that" - in some ways I think they were right. You weren't just my friend, you were my very bestest friend in the whole wide world, for a long time you were the only person I could trust. 

For me, you were the sparkle in a dark room. I just couldn't be sad around you. We may of had our ups and downs in our friendship, everyone knows about how we used to make each other so angry. We'd argue like enemies at times, but when it came down to it, you where always there for me no matter what. There have been times in the last year where I've seriously needed you to be there to tell me to sort my shit out, like you did so many times whilst you were alive. You where always so good at putting people back onto the right path.


I still have our conversations saved on Facebook and every so often I'll go back and look at them. It's ridiculous because they are such stupid conversations, consisting of you telling me who your latest lady-friend is and talking for an hour about how good your jawline is (sorry - you spending an hour telling me how good your jawline is and me replying with "I don't care" over and over again). 

I actually went to see a psychic not long after you'd passed away. I was genuinely convinced you might come through for me but unfortunately you didn't. The psychic was a bit of a charlatan to be quite honest, nothing she said about any of us was correct. I was so, so jealous when Aleshia told me she thought you had come through for her at the Spiritualist Church. I keep waiting for a sign from you, to tell me that you're still knocking around, but there has been nothing. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. I guess not many people believe in that kind of stuff but I'd believe in anything if it meant that I got to speak to you one last time. 


I think what I'm really trying to say is that I really do miss you, so very much. I am still harbouring a lot of guilt and sadness inside me because of everything that happened with our friendship. There isn't a day that passes by where I don't think about you. You have made such an impact on my life, as I'm sure you have with so many other people. I will forever have a Michael shaped hole in my heart. I'm sure you'd think this post is ridiculous and soppy, as probably do many people. Those who knew our friendship would understand I think. In fact, anyone who knew you would understand. This post was necessary, you deserve all the reignition in the world. 


I think I'm starting to ramble a bit now so I'm going to finish this post here. I am pretty sure there is no internet in the afterlife, so you're probably never going to read this, but I think it's a nice thing to do. I'd like to look back on posts about you in 10/20 years time and fully remember how I felt about you and what amazing things you did for others. I don't ever want my memories to get changed or lost as life goes on. 

I hope you're causing chaos up there Mikey. I love you forever. 

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5 comments:

  1. Wow. I am truly sorry for your loss Jane. I completely and totally understand what you're going through and feeling - I lost my best friend in the whole world 10 years ago and it still feels very raw. But how wonderful of a friend are you?! To talk about him like this and get it out in the open, it's such a personal thing to do and I'm sure if the afterlife did have the Internet he would read this and feel proud to call you his best friend.
    Lots of love chick xxx

    broganjay.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. a beautiful post, I'm so sorry for your loss.

    wishing you all the best, Trona xxxxx

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  3. I'm so sorry for you loss, what a lovely post to remember and hope you find peach and light during this difficult time <3

    www.dressedinthecity.com

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  4. So sorry for your loss. They say it gets easier but it never does.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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